Goodbye's the Saddest Word
by Renee

Goodbye's the Saddest Word

by Renee

If only we had listened. If only I had listened - I am, was his lover. The one he trusted to save him from the demons of the world. The one who was supposed to keep him from harm. Save him from the darkness, the temptation to simply give up. But look at how well I did my job. He was dead now, just gave up, slipped through our fingers without us knowing he was slipping.

Good gods, I was supposed to help him when he was down. Supposed to notice when things were going awry. Not end up sitting at his funeral with my eyes vacant and tears streaming down my cheeks. Sitting here waiting for him to sit up on the pyre and grin at me, claim the whole death had been a payback for missing our anniversary last week. Would serve me right too. Serve me right for forgetting about him for even a day.

Cool hand touching my shoulder to wake me, the priest of the goddess holds out the burning torch. As his closest family I was the one supposed to start the pyre's flames. Supposed to step quietly up to the wood and stick the torch into it. Watch the flames licking at the body of my lover with his white blond hair flowing loose around his shoulders. Calm blue eyes closed forever. Looks like he's just sleeping. Do I have to set him afire?

Shuffling up to the pyre I lean over his face willing him to suddenly wake. Surprise me lover; scold me for forgetting you and our anniversary. Do something.

Anything.

Long, thin fingers lay folded over his stomach; the ring of his family name, our family name, catches the flickering light of the flames. Touching my lips to his I whisper his name in a prayer for him to wake. Vision blurring I touch the torch to the pyre's bed of wood. Nerveless fingers dropping the torch to my feet I crumble before the pyre. Heat and pain were snuggled against my knees, winding their way up my thighs. Gods I had failed him, I did not deserve to live while he lay there dead. So cold and stiff, so unresponsive.

Seizing my biceps the trio of personal guards wrench me out of the flames' reach. Hurling buckets of water at my fiery robes they clutch at me as I howl my rejection.

The flames were settling into the nook of his collar where my head had fit perfectly. Destroying his fragile golden skin as they dance across him. The scent of rosewood and his rapidly crisping flesh tickles my nose, burrowing their way deep into my memories.

Tears racing from my eyes I begin to struggle against the grips of the guards. I had to be with him. Had to hold him as the flames ruined him. He needed me more then they needed me. Elbows connecting with ribs I jerk free and hurl myself at the pyre. Voice ringing out behind me I stumble to my knees, sobs wracking my shoulders.

"Corin-papa, do you mean to leave me too?" the voice inquires. Soft baby voice. Voice of our child, our sweet daughter. Magic, miracle child. Little baby, I cannot leave her to face the world alone and unprotected. Ah sweet daughter, I will not leave you until you have no need of me. "Corin-papa? Are you going to leave me alone?"

Walking to my side she curls her chubby arms around my shoulders. My baby girl, precious child of ours. He would not wish me to abandon you to the vultures. "Corin-papa, stay with me? Please? I need you." Crushing her cherubic body to mine I watch over her shoulder as his pyre burns higher. "Don't go away with Havere-papa, not yet, not now."

Smoke wafting in a warm breeze I croon, tears still slicking my cheeks, "Sh sweet Riarn, I will not leave you, ever. I promise." I promise lover, I will take care of our daughter. Our precious gift. She will grow protected and with the finest life can offer. I will see to it, she will never lack for anything that I can give her.

Helping me stand she holds my hand as we watch the flames and embers taper off, the fuel greedily consumed in the first burst of flames. Watch as the last of the flames sink below the broken, fire blackened stubs. Nothing left of him, of my Havere, my lover. My soul. My hope. Without him I would never have earned the confidence of the King. Never have had the gumption to throw my family name into the pot in hopes of getting chosen as the Eastern Point of the council. And he was gone. Like my family and his before him.

Dead.

Resting a hand against my spine a honeyed voice murmurs, "I am sorry for your loss Corin, I know how close you were to him." Glancing mournfully towards the voice I meet the King's smoky gray gaze with empty ruby eyes. Curling his arms around my shoulders he pulls me into a tight embrace. "My poor child, you have lost so much. This war is damned." His voice was trembling with sorrow. The arms about my shaking form were tight enough to hurt, but I could feel nothing but emptiness.

A part of me was lying in the ashes of his pyre. The part of me I had cherished. The part that I needed to survive. Gods, how was I going to make it? How could I go on without him? Havere, how am I supposed to live without you by my side?

Coming up behind the King a guard coughs softly and murmurs, "Sire, they are attacking our Southern borders again."

Tightening his grip briefly he releases me and strides after the guard. Tugging my hand Riarn peers up at me, her innocent pain filled lavender eyes piercing what's left of my heart. Hoisting her into my arms I rest my forehead against hers. Little love I will protect and shield you from the nasty things if I can. People we know and love will die, but the two of us - we have to live on.

We have to survive this war.