With Credit to Kierkegaard
by Mina

With Credit to Kierkegaard

by Mina

The Montpellier train station was packed with people scurrying back and forth like cockroaches to make their trains. Snippets of conversation flittered past Collin Freeman's ears as he sat idly on the ground near his suitcase, but he ignored the dialogue, choosing instead to flip through the pages of his latest purchase. Collin looked at his watch. The 10:15am train to Brussels would leave in exactly one hour.

True to form, Theo was going to be late.

* * * * *

Theo Degass groaned as he came, his body loose and malleable. The boy who'd stayed the night looked up from below him and smiled shyly. He'd been the waiter at dinner the night before and the irony of the situation wasn't lost on Theo. Leaning down, he kissed the boy, his lips smooth and soft to the touch. The boy responded willingly, giving himself up to Theo's mouth and tongue, sighing happily as he did so.

The kiss broke and Theo moved off of him, lying back on the tangle of bed sheets and pillows. If Collin had seen the mess, he'd have rolled his eyes.

Theo assumed the boy would leave, but instead he just lay there, hands behind his head, grinning wildly. For a one night stand, the boy wasn't a fantastic catch, but he wasn't bad looking - pale, American, mussed blonde hair, a thin, tiny frame and crooked front teeth. His teeth turned inward just enough to make Theo look away when the boy turned to face him, his expression still glowing.

"Shower," Theo announced, preventing any kind of viable conversation from taking place. Though Theo didn't have a plethora of experience, he had enough to know that most people wanted to talk after sex, especially after morning sex. Theo, however, preferred to keep the verbal communication to a minimum. If he wanted to talk, he'd talk to Collin.

"You in a hurry?" the blonde boy asked once they'd stepped into the shower.

Theo grabbed the shampoo. "I've gotta meet a friend. We're taking a train to Brussels."

"Yeah?" The boy took the bottle from him and rubbed shampoo into his own hair. "You know this guy long?"

"We went to high school together. He's the reason my parents agreed to send me to Europe."

Standing under the showerhead, Theo let the shampoo run out of his hair and onto the shower floor. Collin was a year younger than he was, but they rarely felt the difference. They'd gone through school together because Collin had placed into sophomore level classes when he arrived at Our Lady of Guadalupe High School. Though they made an odd couple, Collin known for his academic prowess and Theo for his quick temper, their friendship had survived.

"Nice he lets you do this," the blonde said, stepping under the water as Theo opened the conditioner and squeezed some into his hand.

"Do what, shower?"

The boy moved out of the stream of water and Theo handed him the bottle. He was scrawnier in daylight; a small, almost feminine frame made him seem younger than even Collin. A thought pertaining to the age of consent in Europe briefly flittered through Theo's mind.

Shaking his head, the blonde responded, "Having boys on the side."

It took a moment for Theo to process what the other boy was saying, but when he did, he drew back, his expression morphing into something akin to disgust. Water droplets slid down his face as his visualized Collin, the upstanding overachiever, and then tried to imagine Collin underneath him. Collin, minus the glasses, the philosophical ironies and hypocrisies, and, more importantly, minus the clothes. He'd seen Collin in his swim trunks a few times, but he'd never really been interested in more.

He was going to say as much, but the blonde boy no longer seemed interested. The boy grabbed the soap and lathered it in his hands, moving towards Theo. Wordlessly he began to run the soap over Theo's body, starting with his ankles and working his way up. Theo tilted his head back and stifled another groan as the boy spread the soap over his most sensitive areas.

Thoughts of Collin moved swiftly to the wayside.

* * * * *

"Un croque-monsieur, s'il vous plait," Collin requested.

The man behind the counter shook his head. "On n'a pas ça. Voulez-vous quelque chose d'autre?"

His stomach grumbling, Collin nodded. "Alors... Je voudrais un sandwich avec de fromage."

The man's head disappeared behind the counter as he searched for a cheese sandwich. He came up a moment later, food in hand, and rang Collin up. Collin handed over the money, vaguely reminded of the day he announced to Theo his grand plan to go to Europe.

"Collin," Theo had said patiently, running a hand through slippery silk-black hair, "you don't have to go to the other side of the world to get drunk. There is plenty of liquor in the state of Pennsylvania."

Collin ignored the comment. He'd been friends with Theo long enough to know that responding would only encourage him.

"I mapped out a list of places," he explained. "We'll start in France and work our way around. I thought about including Spain, but that would make things too complicated."

"I slept with a guy from Spain once," Theo mused as they walked. "Or was it Mexico..."

Collin rolled his eyes. "Is there anyone you haven't slept with?"

Pausing for a moment, Theo put a finger to his lips, as if to indicate deep in thought. His curiously dark brown eyes traversed from right to left and back again; his broad, tan shoulders relaxed as he considered. Though he'd been the genetic lottery winner in his family where looks were concerned, his malevolent wit had a tendency to get him into trouble. It didn't help that once Theo's mouth started, his fists weren't far behind. His placement at Our Lady had come not after expulsion, because his parents had money coming out of their ears, but a polite but firm request to leave.

"You want a list?" he asked, his expression filled with a decidedly inappropriate mix of mischief and wanton pleasure.

Collin shook his head. "Just tell your mom mine'll be calling her to talk about it."

This took Theo off guard. "You already talked to your mom?"

"Last week."

Though they'd only just begun walking, Theo stopped short. The thing that went through him now was a kind of feeling he was completely unaccustomed to - surprise. He and Collin generally kept their thoughts, ideas, goals and plans between each other. Though it seemed ridiculous, the fact that Collin had broken their unspoken gag rule aggravated him.

When he looked up, he realized Collin was still walking.

"Hey!" Theo shouted, hustling to catch up with him, but Collin was ignoring him.

"Hey!" Theo raised his voice. When he reached Collin, he grabbed his arm to get his attention. "Hey!"

Collin's heart somersaulted in his chest, and the blood that had been circulating throughout his body rerouted to his jeans. Theo, too, was caught off guard by the reaction his gesture had generated. Again he felt that the rug had been pulled out from under him; he wasn't sure what to do next.

"Coll," he said, his voice uncharacteristically soft. The close proximity sent an involuntary shiver through Collin's body. He gasped, his chest suddenly tight and aching, and let his eyes wander up to meet Theo's. When they looked at each other, a kind of kinetic ripple transferred from one to the other, its origin unclear. Theo licked his lips, his brown eyes suddenly glassy with urgency.

From the parking lot bordering the park, someone laid on their horn. The sound broke the heightened connection between the two boys, and Collin, trying to find his ground, moved his arm away from Theo's grasp.

"Coll," Theo tried again, but then he sounded like himself again, softness and sexuality gone.

"Don't forget," Collin said as he turned around. "Tell your mom mine'll call."

* * * * *

"You seen my shirt?" the blonde called to Theo, who was styling his hair in the bathroom. His dark hair was naturally wavy, but he kept it in line with mousse.

"No," he responded.

The blonde boy poked his head into the bathroom. "Never mind, found it." His ruffled clothes betrayed what they'd done the night before, but he didn't seem concerned. Turning on the faucet, he wet his hands and ran them through his hair.

"Your boy's good-looking," he said nonchalantly.

Theo frowned. "How do you know that?"

Reaching into his pocket, the boy pulled out a picture of Collin and Theo that Theo kept in his wallet. In it, Theo was grinning wildly. He was tall and lanky, with arms and legs that seemed to have sprouted all at once. His coffee-colored skin and eyes gleamed in the afternoon sun and he seemed to radiate something very, very tempting. He was standing next to Collin, whose arms were crossed across his chest defensively. In the shot, the piercing quality of Collin's blue eyes was marred by the boy's stray sandy brown bangs. Though he certainly wasn't an athlete, his frame was tight and powerful. The picture must have been taken after Collin's belated growth spurt, since they were nearly at eye level.

The blonde finished fixing his hair, watching himself in the mirror. Satisfied, he walked out of the bathroom, calling back, "You left it on the nightstand."

The awkwardness that had settled within Theo in the shower returned now. Capping the mousse, he followed the boy into the bedroom, picture in hand. Pulling some pants out of his suitcase, he shoved the picture into his pocket and yanked them on.

"We're not together," he said.

The boy, who was tying his shoe, didn't bother to look up. "Sure, I got it."

"No." Theo sat down on the bed next to him. "When I say 'not together', I mean not having any kind of sexual relationship. We're friends. Period."

His attention procured, the boy turned to face him. "You sure about that?"

It occurred to Theo then that the blonde had a kind of Western drawl to his voice. This was a stark difference from the smokiness of Theo's own voice, or the prim, almost British quality of Collin's.

Collin. Theo pondered what the boy had asked. It was a stupid question; of course he'd know if he had more than a platonic relationship with someone, especially someone like Collin. He could talk to Collin about anything, and he knew the feeling was mutual.

"Yeah," he said. "I'm sure."

The boy shrugged. "Whatever."

Frustrated, Theo produced the picture again. "Look, this picture, right? When this was taken, I was seeing two different guys, and Collin still thought he was into girls! We've known each other for years, and nothing's ever happened."

"Okay."

"Jesus, we're friends, that's it. Collin's..." Theo ran his fingers through his hair again, and then nervously rubbed them against his jeans. "I held his glasses when he threw up after the first time we got drunk. And hey, he doesn't talk about any of his theoretical bullshit with me; he says it's 'impossible to discuss Kierkegaard with someone whose idea of a scholar is Jack Daniels.' If he was interested, don't you think he'd bring it up? It's all he thinks about.

"And he knows I get around; that's not his scene. Collin needs... Collin wants somebody who only wants him. I can't do that. Half the time I don't even want me. He likes indie rock and imported music with words I don't understand and his idea of a good time is talking about the hydraulics of a car. I don't care; I just want to see what speed it tops out at. And I've always known I liked boys, but Collin took a while. He's too smart for his own damn good, and I'm too mouthy for mine. We... Even if there was something there, it would never work out. I don't want to screw up something great just so I can get my rocks off."

He paused, realizing he'd gone on quite a tirade. The blonde took a deep breath and stood up, taking his bag in hand. As Theo watched him, he realized that the feeling of discomfort had not been soothed but intensified. Pressing his palm to the doorknob, the boy glanced back at Theo.

"You said your boy likes Kierkegaard?"

"He's not my..." Theo stopped. Reluctantly, he nodded.

"Consider this. Kierkegaard once said, 'The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have.' "

The blonde waited a moment, then added, "I'm late for my shift." Just before the door clicked shut behind him, he called, "Have fun in Belgium."

Theo stared at the closed door.

"What?"

* * * * *

"Il y a quelqu'un avec vous?"

Collin looked up to see who was speaking to him. It was a girl, brunette, and her accent was terrible. Her hair, drawn back in a flimsy ponytail, was limp, and even her clothing looked uncomfortable.

He shrugged. "Sit. I'm alone."

The girl's soft smile was tired, bordering on haggard. Something in her eyes flickered when she heard him speak, and in the murky-gray blue of her eyes, he thought he saw a glimpse of what she had been when she was pretty and confident.

"You're American," she said in English. From deep within the station, a train whistled sounded.

Collin nodded. "I am, but I try not to share it. I'm not thrilled with the state of the Union."

"Well, that and most of the French would eviscerate you for it." She glanced around, as if to be sure there were no eviscerators listening in. "Where ya from?"

"Pennsylvania."

"You like it there? I'm from Massachusetts, home of... Well, not a whole lot, to be honest."

She played with her hair, twisting it around a free finger. Her eyes were downcast and she bit her lip as she considered what to say next. "You got siblings."

"Nope," Collin said.

"I have four. All younger; I'm the oldest, so I have to set an example. Ever want a younger sibling? A brother, maybe?"

The conversation was gravitating towards weird, even for Collin. He shifted in his seat and pushed his glasses up on his nose. "You gonna sit, or just attack me with questions?"

Blushing, the girl slid into the seat across from him. "I'm sorry. It's just been so long since I talked to anybody in English."

Collin shrugged. "It's okay."

"You waiting for somebody?"

"Yeah, but he'll be late."

The girl smiled. "I have friends like that."

She paused, then brightened, adding, "I'm really punctual. Always on time."

"Me, too," Collin said. "My friend, however..."

"You know what I used to do?"

"What?"

The girl's eyes glittered again. Leaning forward, she whispered, "I used to tell them to get there half an hour early. So like, if the movie started at 7pm, I'd say be there at 6:30pm." She giggled. "Worked almost every time. You should try it on your friend."

Collin imagined Theo's face if he realized the time trick. Shaking his head, he said, "Thanks, but I don't think it'd do any good."

"I'm Stephanie," the girl said, putting out her hand.

"Collin." They shook. Her hands were calloused; her fingers long and bony. Collin released her hand. "So, why're you in Europe?"

"I'm an au pair."

Collin frowned. By her accent, he felt sure he could tell that she didn't speak French very well. That didn't make sense; weren't au pairs supposed to be able to speak the language of the family they lived with?

"How is that working out?" he asked.

Stephanie's shoulders drooped and her gaze fell to the tabletop, as if he'd just revealed both that there was no Easter Bunny and that her mother had never loved her. "Terribly. I can't understand them and they don't even try to understand me."

Her eyes began to fill with tears. "They hate me. They're always playing tricks on me. I hate it here; I just want to go home."

There was an uneasy pause between them and her shoulders started to shake. Collin took a deep breath. There were many things he was capable of doing; however, comforting people, women especially, wasn't on that list.

"There's nobody here who cares about me," Stephanie was saying, and, by now tears were sliding down her cheeks. She tried to wipe her face with the back of her hand, but only succeeded in smearing the tears. "I'm sorry; I know this is really dopey."

"No, no," Collin lied. Reluctantly, he moved to her side of the table and put an arm gingerly around her. "Everyone deals with obstacles differently."

"I'm dealing with them terribly," she sobbed. Embarrassed, she hid her face in Collin's shoulder and continued to cry.

Collin felt himself turning green with discomfort, but he pushed through. Taking a deep breath, he said, "You're doing fine."

She didn't seem to register what he'd said.

"Look," Collin tried again, "it could be much, much worse."

This seemed to catch Stephanie's attention. Sniffling, she looked up at him. "How?"

Collin tried to say it casually, but if came off much harsher than he'd expected. "You could have tried to end it."

The girl's tears ceased. "No. No, I... No. I mean, things are bad, but they're not that bad. I..."

"I'm sorry," Collin said, "this friend of mine, I mean, he... I'm sorry; I shouldn't have... I was just trying to..."

"He did that?" Stephanie asked, horror evident in her voice. "He tried..."

"Once."

Collin took his arm off of her shoulders and folded his hands together. "He... He was being an idiot. He..."

"Oh G-d." Stephanie picked up a napkin and wiped her face. "Geez, that's... That's a lot to deal with."

"He..." Collin stopped. "I... I don't know much about it, really. We didn't talk much about it."

"You talked to him about it?" The girl's tone was incredulous. "Why?"

Collin squirmed uncomfortably. "I had to; I mean, wouldn't you? If it was your best friend? If it was somebody you loved and cared about, if..."

He stopped, realizing what he'd just said.

"Shit," he muttered. "Shit, I didn't mean that. We're just really close, I..."

Stephanie didn't seem to have noticed. She was watching Collin intently though, with something akin to wonder in her eyes. "What did you say?"

Collin thought back to the days that followed Theo's attempt. He'd been noticeably moodier, snapping at everyone, even Collin. To help him out of his rut, Collin invited him to swim in the manmade lake at the park.

It was dark out and they were alone, but the scenery was lit by the full moon overhead. Collin imagined he looked like a ghost compared to Theo, whose silhouette was almost poetic against the night sky. He knew that Theo would have preferred skinny dipping, but he'd put his foot down and unceremoniously squashed the idea.

They swam for what seemed like hours before lying out their towels and drying off in the moonlight. They lay side by side, hands behind their heads, so still that they could have been mistaken for the dead. A long time later, Collin opened his eyes and asked, "What do you think happens to us after we die?"

Theo groaned and turned over on his stomach. "Coll, seriously. Do we have to?"

"There must be something, right?" Collin continued, ignoring him.

"Collin..."

Collin turned to face him then, his blue eyes almost black in the darkness. Though people often assumed he was the passive to Theo's more aggressive nature, this was only partially true. When Collin wanted Theo's attention, he knew how to get it, and now he was demanding it.

Sighing, Theo gave in and rolled onto his back. "Dunno. Why does there have to be anything?"

Facing the sky again, Collin frowned. "It just seems ridiculous to live life without there being something more afterwards."

"All the more reason to live it up."

A peaceful silence drifted between them and Theo let his eyes close. It was Collin's voice that broke the stillness.

"Don't do it again," he said softly. "I saw the marks on your wrist. Don't do it again."

Theo's eyes snapped open, his temper flaring. "I'll do whatever I want."

"Don't be difficult, Theo."

"Don't patronize me, Collin. Don't assume that the fact you'd rather contemplate Nietzsche than, G-d forbid, have fun, makes you better than me."

This was a low blow; Theo knew it even before Collin bolted upright. Still, he wasn't about to apologize for protecting his independence. Collin of all people should know this. Sitting up, he faced him.

"If you do it again," Collin said, "I will make it public knowledge."

Theo glared at him. "Collin, knock it off. Do not screw with me here."

"I'm serious."

Frustrated, Theo pushed him down, and all at once they were rolling around in the grass, each trying to gain the upper hand. It was painful flipping over and over, but neither was willing to give in. After several tense moments, Theo was victorious. He pinned Collin and raised a fist, planning to retaliate by smashing his face in. Though he'd been involved in many similar situations, this time he faltered.

"Do it," Collin hissed, eyes filled with something alien to his personality, something wild and rebellious. "Isn't this how you handle things? Go on; hit me. It's what you want, right?"

Theo was silent. He stared at Collin for a long time, weighing his options, though in truth he'd already made up his mind. Punching someone was the easiest way he knew to shut them up. People talked. You had to know how to stop them.

"That day when I saw you in the hallway," Collin continued, "your shirt was ripped to shreds; your lip was bleeding. I looked at you then, really looked, and I knew what you were."

"You don't know a thing," Theo retorted, dropping his fist. "Not one damn thing."

Getting up, he stalked off, and grabbed his towel as he left.

* * * * *

"Can I get a taxi, please?" Theo asked at the front desk. Since he'd only had one bag, packing hadn't taken more than a few minutes. This, Theo had discovered wasn't nearly long enough to try and comprehend Kierkegaard, or anybody else for that matter.

"Oui, monsieur," the concierge said, picking up a telephone. After a brief conversation which Theo couldn't comprehend, he said, "It will be fifteen minutes. You can wait outside, monsieur."

"Shit," Theo muttered, "I'm gonna be late for the train."

Without bothering to thank the concierge, he grabbed his bag and hurried outside. He knew Collin would be upset; though he generally didn't say anything, he was always aggravated by Theo's tardiness. Grimacing, Theo sat down on a bench in front of the hotel to wait.

Miniature cars raced past him, and his mind went to his initial observation of Europe. "Everything's so... small."

"Don't be an idiot," Collin had said, grabbing the book Theo was perusing. It was an oversized, artsy coffee table book, titled, On Connait L'Europe, and featured a collection of photographs of Europe taken by European photographers.

"Actually," someone female said, "he does have a point. I mean, look at the cars. Aren't you sort of expecting clowns to fall out of them?"

"Not you too," Collin said, looking crushed. The girl shrugged, her brown curls bouncing as she did. Theo didn't understand what Collin saw in her. He had been dating her for just over two months, and Theo had yet to see any indication of brain activity on her part. The things she said made him wish the government would regulate who could and couldn't procreate.

"Anyway," the girl was saying, "who cares? It's not like we're ever going there."

She leaned over to kiss Collin, but he shifted and it looked as though she'd simply been swaying back and forth to some tune in her head. It wasn't the first time Theo had seen Collin do this, but usually the girl blushed or shifted uncomfortably. This time, she didn't even seem to have registered it. Instead, she stared off into space, lost in her own world. Theo wondered why he suddenly wanted, not to hug her, but to pat her on the head, give her some kind of indication that she'd done well. It wasn't her fault that Collin wasn't responding.

A few days later, when they were watching Charade, Collin paused the movie and looked at him intently.

"We broke up," Collin said simply.

Theo shrugged. "Figured." This was true; he'd guessed as much when the girl had been noticeably absent from Collin's life. "Y'okay?"

"She said I was a sinner," Collin continued, "and that I'd burn in hell."

Theo was taken aback. "What did you say when you dumped her to make her say that?"

Collin shook his head. "She dumped me."

"What?" Theo made a face. "She dumped you? That doesn't make any sense."

There was a pregnant pause before Collin said, "She said G-d hates gays."

"Okay..." Theo said, "but you're not gay." He looked at Collin. "Right?"

"She said you were going to Hell, too."

Theo couldn't help but grin. "In more ways than one."

"She asked how long I'd been fucking you."

Before Theo could respond, Collin pushed play on the remote. Though the movie was playing, Theo found himself preoccupied with the girl's question.

That night, he dreamed he was buried deep inside Collin, their bodies warm and tight together. Collin moaned as he thrust into him again and again, both of their bodies dripping with sweat. Taking Collin's member in his hand, he stroked until the other boy shuddered with climax and contracted around his own manhood. Forced over the edge, he spilled himself into Collin, who cried out again. They kissed, hard, Collin's mouth soft against his own.

When he woke, he was hard, and he had to take care of himself in the bathroom because Collin's bed was right next to his.

Though they occasionally discussed Collin's ex, they never mention her accusation again. At the time, Theo thought it was because it was outlandish, but now, he wondered if it was just easier that way.

* * * * *

"What's his name again?" Stephanie asked, twirling her hair around her finger.

"Theo."

"Divine gift."

Collin furrowed his brow. "What?"

"Theo means 'divine gift,' " she explained. "I used to read baby naming books." She smiled at him, and Collin thought that now that she'd cried out some of her frustration, she almost looked pretty. When he glanced at his watch, he was surprised to discover how late it was.

"I'm sorry," he said, "but I have to catch a train."

Stephanie collected her trash. "I'll walk you."

As they strode through the crowded station, Collin felt a bizarre kind of kinship with the girl. He so rarely opened up to anyone who wasn't Theo that it felt awkward, like a sweater that was too small. At the same time, he knew that in talking to her, he'd confessed something he'd never revealed to Theo, let alone himself.

At Gate 12, he faced her.

"This is my train," he said, but she cut him off, pressing herself against him and kissing him. Her lips were soft where he preferred rough, her mouth narrow where he preferred wide, but he let her kiss him anyway, not fully participating, but not pushing her away. It was clear the action wasn't sexual; he knew how that kind of kiss felt. No, this was much more basic. It was as if this touch reminded her of something she'd long since lost touch with.

She pulled back after a moment, her eyes glittering, and Collin waited for her to say something. "Do it," she told him.

Collin was confused. "Do what?"

Leaning close to him, she whispered, "Tell him."

* * * * *

"I got accepted to UPenn and NYU," Collin announced offhandedly a few days before they'd finalized their plans to go to Europe.

"Congrats." Theo took a long swig of soda. "Which one you planning on going to?"

"I don't know. Mom wants to visit NYU before we make a choice."

"She's going to let you go there?"

Collin shrugged. "Maybe. She wants to see it first."

Theo's heart constricted painfully in his chest. He felt like an idiot; of course Collin would leave. Unlike Theo, Collin had potential; his parents wouldn't want it to go to waste.

Things would definitely be easier without Collin, he thought as the scenery rushed past. As the taxi hurried through the busy streets of Paris, Theo pictured lazy afternoons at the mall, never having to set foot in the bookstore. He thought of quiet, humid evenings by the lake, no mention of death, dying or Greek tragedies, and he imagined going home and just sitting in his room, no one calling because no one cared.

The taxi stopped and Theo handed a wad of cash to the driver.

"Thanks," he said, and got slowly out of the taxi. His whole body felt heavy, and suddenly he dreaded the future. The thing that made life bearable was Collin, their friendship, their ridiculous antics and arguments. As he let the realization wash over him completely, he let himself imagine spending days in the bookstore, sneaking up behind Collin and kissing him full on the mouth, before letting his mind wander to endless nights of skinny dipping at the lake, making not-so-philosophical noises and taking Collin home and fucking him, taking him over and over until, just like in his dream, he didn't know where Collin ended and he himself began.

The enormous clock on the wall of the train station read 9:58 AM.

"Shit!" Theo yelped, and tore through the station to the train.

* * * * *

Collin gazed out the window, wondering whether or not Theo would miss the train. It wouldn't be the first time. He thought back over what Stephanie had said, and how she'd winked at him before she walked away. What she'd suggested was stupid, but he couldn't ignore the way he felt once she'd said it. His plan was to offhandedly mention it to Theo; that way, they could laugh it off together.

The train started to move, slowly at first, then picked up speed. Collin gave a frustrated sigh and sat back in his seat. Reaching into his bag, he pulled out the book he'd been reading in the station. His heart was racing, which irritated him, because he wanted to believe that Stephanie was wrong and that what he said had been a slip of the tongue.

There was a bustling in the back, but Collin ignored it. Flipping through the book, he found the page he'd been reading and settled down to immerse himself in the words on the page.

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he barely noticed when someone sat down next to him.

"Coll," Theo said softly. Collin snapped to face him.

"Hey," he said, trying to hide his nerves. "You made the train."

Theo nodded, but his face was cloudy. Frowning, Collin asked, "Are you okay?"

"Collin, did you... Did you ever hear that Kierkegaard guy say, 'The most painful state of being is..."

He stopped, clearly at a loss.

"The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have," Collin supplemented. "Sure. Why?"

"Look, I... I don't want to be that."

"Be what?"

"That future. The one we don't have."

Theo ran a hand through his hair nervously. The motion surprised Collin; he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Theo get flustered.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said after a moment. "What future?"

"You and me," Theo responded, looking him in the eye. "Our future."

The words hit Collin full force, and it took him a moment to register them.

"Our future?" he repeated.

"Yeah." Theo was nodding, clearly pleased with himself. "You're catching on."

"We have a future?"

Glancing around, Theo said, "You might not want to announce it. Though I'm all for boy love, there may be some people on this train who disagree with me."

Collin felt his eyes widen. "You l-"

"Another time," Theo said, cutting him off. "I think we've done enough damage for one day."

He lay down, his head in Collin's lap, black hair falling over his legs. Smiling up at his boy, he said, "So, what are you reading?"

"Kafka," Collin responded, a grin spreading across his lips. "The Metamorphosis."

Closing his eyes, Theo took a deep breath. "Now that's more like it."