At the Bottom of the Bottle
by Jaya

At the Bottom of the Bottle

by Jaya

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
Or tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?
- Dido - "White Flag"

Caden shifted uncomfortably staring at the dirty wall of the public bathroom, trying not to listen to the sounds coming from the last stall. He didn't have to hear to know what Ken was doing back there with the serving boy from the restaurant. Sighing, he stepped outside the door, why did he always have to be on watch? Why did Mist have to try and fuck everything that even looked half-way cute?

He frowned up at the late afternoon sky, they needed to get back to the school too or he was going to be late. Whoever came up with the idea of having evening classes needed to have their head examined. It's not like any of them actually learned anything from Professor Grayfart, hell most of them slept through his class and didn't hear a single thing he said. Save for one or two of the richer boys, no one was ever going to have any need for manners or edict, much less knowing how to eat ''properly''. Caden kicked a stone into the parking lot crossing his arms as he hunkered down against the wall, Grayfart should come to cafeteria sometime and see just how his pupils ate normally! The sight would probably give him a heart attack or something.

Caden giggled at that thought, looking towards the door as it opened. Mist pushed his trick out the door first, a smirk on his lips as his eyes met Caden's, reaching over to drop an arm around his shoulders. "I feel much better."

"We're going to be late getting back to school." Mist laughed, "Grayfart won't even notice he's as blind as a bat anyway."

He glanced over at his trick and chuckled, "Thanks luv, we'll have to do it again sometime."

Caden glared at the other boy, noting the look of puppy love in his eyes he sighed, pulling away from Mist he stalked towards the car. "You shouldn't toy with people Mist." He didn't want to listen to the last words between his friend and the toy. Half the time he even wondered why he and Mist were still friends; it wasn't like they had anything in common.

Lighting a cigarette he leaned against the car waiting for Mist to finish off his last French kiss, staring at the falling leaves. Finally Mist ran over to the car with a grin on his face, Caden climbed in before he could say anything. "Loosen up Cade, we'll be back on time." He winked at Caden sliding into the driver's seat. "You shouldn't smoke."

"You shouldn't fuck everything that moves." A laugh.

"Maybe, but it's fun. You should give it a try."

"Right..."

Mist peeled out of the parking lot and Caden sighed his fingers tightening on the armrest of his seat, "Slow down Mist."

"I thought you wanted to get back on time."

"I do just in one piece!"

Mist laughed but didn't slow down Caden gritted his teeth settling himself in for the ride back to school. Getting out and slamming the door behind himself when they got there, he ignored the sound of Mist calling after him. He didn't want to deal with Mist until he'd had a chance to cool off a little bit. Sometimes he just couldn't deal with it when Mist pushed a little bit too hard.

It was well after dinner before Malachai caught up with Caden, catching his brother by the waist, leaning against him his chin resting on Caden's shoulder. They stood in front of the window in their room, the one that looked out on the dumpster behind the student lodgings, not far after that the scraggly trees that just hide the highway from view.

"Mist again?"

"Yea..."

"Want me talk to him?"

"No."

Silence hung in the air, Caden leaned back against his brother with a sigh, his arm coming to settle across the ones about his waist. "Chai?"

"Mmm?"

Caden sighed but shook his head, "Nothing..." He turned around so that he could return Malachai's embrace, there were some problems he had to solve on his own.

"I made you something today." Malachai said after a moment, pulling away with a grin. Walking over to his desk he picked up the painting that had been sitting on it and held it up, "What do you think Caden?"

The sight of his brother's smile made him smile in response, he walked over to get a better look at the image, reaching out to run a finger around the edge of a purple petal. "They're beautiful Chai."

"I know you like Irises, so now when you miss them over the winter you can just look up and have you're own hanging on the wall all year round." He offered it to Caden, "It's not the best frame but it was all I could find and I couldn't wait to give it to you."

"Chai..." Taking the painting Caden wrapped his brother up in another hug, touched by the gesture. He placed a kiss on Malachai's cheek, before walking over to his desk to hang the picture up on the nail his calendar was hanging from. It covered up the calendar but it didn't matter, the picture was more important.

Looking at it for a few moments, Caden dropped down onto the edge of his bed, turning to look at his brother. "Sometimes I don't think Mist realizes what he's doing, he just acts, that's the way he is. He doesn't mean to hurt people, not really..."

"I still think you should get away from him, you don't need to be hurt by him." Malachai walked over to flop down on the bed, resting his head on Caden's lap looking up at his brother. His hand came up to touch Caden's cheek for a moment, he grinned. "I don't like seeing you hurt Caden, whether he means it or not. You're too good for him."

Caden laughed, his hand coming down to run through Malachai's short red and black hair, unlike his own long black hair, their storm colored eyes meeting. "You should not put me up so high above everyone else brother, I would rather be down where all can reach me. It would get very lonely so high all on my own," he said gently, teasing. "I am not as good as you seem to think I am, either."

"No, you're better."

Laying back on the bed Caden rested his head on his arms, staring up at the ceiling of their room, "You're horrible you know that Chai?"

"Yep, that's why you love me." Rolling over resting his chin in the palms of his hands, Malachai grinned at Caden. "Just don't let it go to your head, that's part of what makes you so charming - you don't even realize that you are." He laughed at the face Caden made at him. "You'd be surprised how many people would love to be able to lay claim to you."

"What and you're any different brother? You look like me if it were for this..." Caden ran his hands through Malachai's hair, "That and the fact that you have no style whatsoever." He made a face at the frayed black clothing Malachai preferred when he wasn't complaining about being stuck in the school uniform.

Malachai shrugged, "At least I don't wear my fathers hand-me-down lab coat all over the place like Ryan... Or take an hour every morning to get ready like you." He grinned, straddling Caden, "Who are you trying to show off for brother? You didn't always used to act like a prissy girl, who's more worried about how she looks then anything else!"

"No fair." Caden pushed Malachai off, rolling away only to end up on the floor with a yelp - more out of surprise then pain. He blinked, as Malachai's face appeared over the edge of the bed look down at him grinning but worried.

"Klutz."

"Ass wipe."

"Wanker."

"Buttmunch."

Malachai giggled, "Did you just call me a buttmunch?"

"Yes." Caden grabbed the pillow that had come off the bed with him from the floor and proceeded to smack Malachai upside the head with it.

What ensued was an all out pillow war that ranged from one side of the room to the other. Till a knock on the door found them glaring at each other from across the room, both breathing hard. Giggling Caden pushed open the windows to let in the cool evening air, running a hand through his disheveled hair as Malachai opened the door.

Nothing of much note happened as the night dragged on, the room became a gathering point of various other boys from down the hall. Listening to music till they managed to get a rousing game of monopoly going, which ended when Ken executed a bank robbery and ran down the hall trailing fake money. Finally they were yelled at to go to bed, sending them all trailing slowly back to their own rooms. Caden and Malachai stayed up for a while longer just talking, before retiring to their beds talking a bit more after the lights had been turned out.

'Til Caden fell asleep leaving Malachai alone with his thoughts, for a while he slipped out of bed simply to watch his brother sleep. It was a pleasure to be able to see Caden when the cares and worries of the day fell away from his face, he looked so peaceful. Brushing his hair gently back away from his face with a soft sigh, leaning over to press a butterfly kiss to Caden's lips. "Good night brother," he murmured quietly climbing back into his own bed.

Caden was up with the dawn and gone by the time Malachai dragged himself out of bed, glaring at his alarm clock. The day went like many of the others, till near the end of the day, which found them in the one class, they had together. After their first year, the school had claimed that having them together in every class was a distraction and had forced them to change their schedule so that they didn't have the same classes together. Caden found himself staring out the window at the afternoon sun waiting for them to finally be dismissed, he never heard the question that was being asked till someone was nudging him.

"Welcome back to the land of the living Caden, would you care to answer the question or shall I ask someone else?"

"Could... could you repeat the question please?" he managed blushing slightly; it wasn't like him to stare off into space that had always been Malachai's job.

The teacher sighed, "I suggest that from now on, you try paying attention in class Caden, I do not have time to repeat every question you miss. Does anyone else know the answer?"

Someone in the front row did, but Caden didn't bother listening. For some reason he couldn't seem to concentrate that afternoon. It came as a shock when his vision went blank, instead he found himself dancing in a spot light: warm, strong arms encircled his body, swinging him easily about. But when he looked up, he found he couldn't see the face of his dance partner, somewhere in the shadows a voice began to sing softly. At first it was a romantic melody as the music died away, the voice became more and more creepy and the words became clear, whoever it was, was singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider. Caden shivered he'd never liked that little song, spiders had always creeped him out whether they were alive or just mentioned.

Then his vision swam and he found himself laying on the classroom floor staring up at a circle of faces, his brother's the closest. "Wha...?"

"Caden?"

"Malachai?"

"You alright?"

"What happened?"

"You collapsed."

"Oh..."

Caden tried to sit up, his hand going to his head as the world spun, he was glad when Malachai put an arm around him in support. He vaguely heard the teacher say something about the nurses, felt Malachai helping him to his feet; he let his brother do the work. Leaning against him as they left the classroom, the teacher trying to restore order as they headed down the hallway.

"What happened Caden?"

He didn't answer his brother's question, instead muttered something about being thirsty and his head hurting. Caden was glad when Malachai didn't push he didn't feel like talking about it just yet, he wanted to have some time to think over things first himself. It had been years since he'd experienced anything like that and the last time it hadn't made any more sense, not until years afterwards. He stopped short of the nurses office though, "I don't want to go in there Malachai, let's go home... to our room. I'm fine, I just need to sit down, need some water... Please Malachai, if I still don't feel good after dinner I'll go to the nurse."

Malachai sighed but nodded, "Promise?"

"I promise Malachai."

"Fine."

It wasn't 'til they had turned out the lights that night when Malachai finally asked his question again, he remembered what had happened before. But he knew that Caden didn't like being pushed all the time, he'd hoped that his brother would come to him to talk. There was something distant about Caden, had been all evening ever since they'd left class.

"Caden?"

"Yea."

"What happened?"

"I just blacked out."

"What did you see?"

Caden sighed turning over to look at the wall, "Nothing."

"You're a horrible liar Caden."

"I saw the dancer again, but I still couldn't feel his face... It was as real as last time Chai, so real and..." Caden shivered remembering the feel of the masculine body pressed against his own, "...there was a little girl singing... or it sounded like a little girl singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider song..." He rolled over again to look across the room at his brother, surprised to find Malachai on his way over. His brother's weight settled on the edge of the bed, Caden looked up at him biting his lower lip. "It doesn't make any more sense this time Chai, but last time..."

"I know Caden." Malachai brushed his fingertips across Caden's cheek, sitting there for a moment silently before standing up. Pulling back the blankets he slipped into the bed, wrapping his arms around Caden, "Rest... I'll be right here if you need me... Maybe it'll make more sense tomorrow." His breath was warm against Caden's cheek, he sighed and nodded.

Letting his eyes closed Caden relaxed against his brother, knowing he was safe in Malachai's arms. At least for now, his twin wouldn't let anything happen to him. Chai wouldn't let anyone else touch him like last time; he shivered slightly remembering the arousing press of the dancer's body. Maybe it was a good sign this time; maybe he'd find someone to love him, someone who would protect him... He always felt safe in the dancer's arms despite what had happened before, frowning Caden tried to calm his mind, wanting to sleep. Before he realized it the morning was shining in through the cracks in the blinds, Malachai's alarm was ringing on the other side of the room. Next to him Malachai was still fast asleep not even hearing the racket.

Caden lifted himself out of the bed with a soft sigh, walking over to turn it off, smiling slightly as he turned to look at Malachai. Tempted to crawl back into bed he pushed the thought away, they were too old for such things. Gathering his things he headed for the bathroom, not noticing the fact that Malachai was watching him lazily through half closed eyes.

"Good morning brother." Malachai spoke just as Caden's hand closed around the doorknob.

Caden jumped, glaring at his brother as Malachai laughed. "Morning Chai." He ducked the pillow that was lobbed playfully in his direction. Picking it up he threw it right back, slipping out the door before Malachai could come up with something else to do.

Nothing happened that day, save for the mysterious note that appeared in Caden's mailbox, written in purple ink. The scriptive handwriting simply said, "Would you take my hand if I offered it?" There was no signature and nothing else; he frowned as he pulled it out of the mailbox. Pushing the little metal door closed with a frown, he turned it over; the blank face of the cream colored paper stared right back at him, giving up no clues to his previous owner.

Heading up the stairs to the room he shared with Malachai, Caden stopped outside the door, leaning over to pick up the long slender box that lay there. His name was written on top and the handwriting matched that on the note. Curiously he opened it unable to keep back a smile when he lifted out the single iris in full bloom, the note attached read, "Would you dance with me if I asked?"

Unlocking and pushing open the door, he dropped the box on the bed, finding a glass of water to put the iris in he stared at it. What was going on? Turning to the window he blinked at the piece of paper that matched the two notes taped to the outside of his window. Retrieving it, Caden hesitated before opening it, "I'll always protect you."

Setting all three of the down on the table he stared at them, glancing at the clock only to realize what time it was. He was going to be late for class, the notes forgotten for the moment Caden rushed out the door cursing the name of Grayfart - as he was so appropriately named by the students. Caden found it hard to concentrate all through class, but finally it was over Malachai dragged him off to dinner. Though he couldn't help noticing the slightly odd way in which his brother was acting which made him wonder.

So it wasn't until after dinner when he went upstairs that he found the fourth note sticking in his diary behind his books. Malachai's the only one who knows where I keep it... Caden hesitated before opening it, finally curiosity got the better of him and he unfolded the piece of paper. "Would you love me, if I told you I loved you?"

He stared at it for a long time, looking over at his brother's desk, but why would Malachai... It had to be someone else, still Caden found himself walking across the room to his brother's desk pulling open the doors. A sheet of cream-colored paper stared back up at him, a purple pen lying across the top of it. Caden jumped as the door opened, he turned to find his brother staring at him, slowly straightening up he pushed the door closed as Malachai pushed the door shut.

"Caden..."

"Chai? What's going on?"

Malachai laughed throwing his school bad down on the bed, walking over to stand in front of Caden smiling at him a little smile. "I thought it would have been obvious by now brother, especially since you've been poking through my desk."

"I..."

"Yes I wrote them."

"But..."

"Do you have an answer?"

"An answer?"

"To my questions."

"Chai, don't..."

"Be quiet Caden, I may not be a smart as you in some things, but I'm not going to shut up. You can hate me if you want to, however I'm not going to just be quiet, not until you give me an answer. Maybe my feelings for you are wrong, I don't really know... All I know is that what I feel for you is more then what I should. But it's even more of a crime not to speak of this, even if it means you can't stand me.... I... I'd like to think that even if you don't feel the same about me that.. that we could still work through this. All you have to do is tell me no and I won't ever say anything again." Malachai reaching out to catch Caden's chin, forcing his brother to keep his gaze. Before Caden could pull away, he leaned closer to kiss him gently on the lips, "I love you Caden."

Gasping Caden blushed, staring at Malachai in surprise, pulling away he turned and ran - the only thing that came to mind right then. He tore down the hallway ignoring the looks, his ears just picking up the soft whisper of his name from Malachai's lips. But Malachai didn't come after him, instead he walked over to push the door closed before walking over to stand in front of the window. Just staring out at nothing, he saw the whole thing in his mind over and over again, had he done the wrong thing?

'I won't apologize for what I feel, it's not wrong,' he whispered to the empty room, blinking back tears as he threw himself on the bed, to keep himself from going after Caden. 'I'm not wrong. I know you feel something for me... I know you do... Caden... please.'

Running, the last person Caden wanted to run into was of course the first person he actually did run into. Sending them both tumbling to the floor, Caden gasped with a soft groan as he knocked his head on the floor. A familiar voice asked if he was all right, he didn't answer staring at the floor.

"Caden, are you alright?" Mist asked again reaching over to put a hand on his shoulder.

Slowly Caden rolled over blinking back tears of pain and of frustration, uncertainty. He realized he'd wanted Malachai to come after him, that he had hoped it would be his brother looking at him when he rolled over to look up instead of Mist. "Knocked my head," he mumbled pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes.

"You want to go to the nurse?"

"No, I'm fine."

Sitting up he sighed, rubbing his head slightly before standing up, Mist stood up with him making no move to help him up. "You wana go out for a bit?" Mist grinned, knowing it was already after curfew. "We can sneak into the parking lot, I have a friend of mine who offered to get some alcohol, maybe something else if we're lucky." Mist put an arm around Caden's shoulders, "It'll be fun, Cade."

"I... I don't know."

"Are you scared?"

"No."

"Yes you are."

"Alright, fine."

"Fine what?"

"Let's go."

Caden pushed Mist away only to be pulled back, he let the arm remain around his shoulders. Mist led the way through the school and out the back door through the grounds and over the wall. Eventually, they reached his friends house, a few beers and a couple of shots later Caden was feeling just fine. In the back of his mind though, he could still remember the feel of Malachai's lips against his own, the closeness of his brother's body. It was the feel of Mist's hand on his thigh that brought him back from his day dreams, as his eyes turned to his friends he realized whose face he'd seen in the dream. It was Malachai's; he pushed Mist's hand away, mumbling something about going home.

"You're one of the best looking guys I know Caden..." Mist slurred slightly, leaning closer.

Glaring at him, Caden lurched forward his fingers closing around Mist's keys. He wasn't quite sure how he made it out the door but he did, luckily the others were drunk as well. He woke in the morning to the sound of Mist banging on the window glaring at him, not looking at all pleased. Caden groaned his hand going to his head as he slowly sat up groggily, realizing eventually that he'd somehow managed to lock himself in Mist's car with the keys.

He looked at Mist who glared back at him, finally unlocked the door before collapsing back on the seat. After his initial yelling, Mist fell silent as if the sound of his voice grated on his own nerves as much as it did on Caden's. They were silent for the rest of the drive; neither said anything as they got out of the car.

Caden was surprised at the sudden quiet apology; he turned to look at Mist who gave him a tired little smile. He shrugged slightly; making some sort of answer that was neither affirmative nor negative, turning he left Mist in the parking lot. Caden wanted nothing more then his pillow for the rest of the day.

Malachai's worried face greeted him as he opened the door, he gasped in surprise as his brother's arms pulled him close, "Where were you? What happened? Are you alright?" Questions came faster then Caden could follow, he pushed Malachai away tumbling into bed.

"I was stupid," he mumbled through the pillow.

He felt the weight of Malachai on the edge of the bed just like the night before, but he didn't turn to look at his brother. "Went out with Mist.... got drunk, he tried to put the moves on me, I locked myself in his car... I feel horrible Chai." Shivering Caden slowly rolled over to look up at his brother tears in his eyes. He saw the worry written on Malachai's face, the anger and he couldn't tell if it was directed more at him or at Mist.

"Sorry Chai... I'm sorry..." Curling up tears started to come faster and he turned away from Malachai, not wanting him to see his crying even though he had seen his tears in the past. Things were different between them now; Caden didn't know what to make of them.

Malachai sighed, Caden nearly pulled away in surprise when Malachai began to undo his shoes pulling them and his socks off, before undressing him the rest of the way. Drawing back the covers, he pulled them up over his brother, "It's alright, I'm not going to apologize for what I told you Caden but..." Malachai started to turn away but Caden's hand caught his wrist pulling him back.

"Hold me..." Their eyes met and slowly Malachai sat back down on the bed of the bed, his hand reach out to fan Caden's hair out around his head on the pillow.

"Caden?"

"I love you." Caden worried his lower lip but he didn't look away from Malachai. "I... I realized who the dancer was last night when Mist... I realized that even if he was attractive it was wrong, it... it was always you in my dream Chai."

For a long few moments Malachai didn't know what to say, finally he smiled leaning over to kiss Caden gently on the lips. "Hold me?" Caden reiterated his request quietly with a little smile, his hand coming up to cup Malachai's cheek, his head still pounding.

Malachai nodded, slipping his shoes off and his shirt he left his pants on as he climbed under the covers with Caden. Wrapping his arms around him, they were silent then. But nothing more needed to be said, finally Caden fell asleep. Somehow Malachai knew they'd figured things out, no matter what happened. And he made a note to have a word with Mist, Caden was his, and he would protect him just in case Mist had any plans about trying anything else.

"I love you, brother," he whispered softly into Caden's hair, letting himself slowly drift off into sleep as well. Having not slept that night, too worried about Caden it wasn't hard to fall asleep. But it didn't matter now; it had been worth hearing those words from Caden's lips.

It was evening when Malachai woke to find the room painted in the colors of sunset; he smiled as he carefully slipped out of the bed. Leaving Caden asleep as he slipped into his cloths and padded down the hallway to the bathroom. He still wasn't sure exactly where they stood with each other but he hoped that somehow they would at least be able to work things out. There was more hope then there had been the other night anyway.

Coming back into the room after a pit stop in the bathroom he quietly closed the door behind himself; he walked over to the window. Remembering what had happened the last time Caden had seen the dancer... It had been nearly ten years ago now, when they were nine, the day before their tenth birthday. He'd found Caden locked in one of the school closets where some bullies had shoved him threatening to come back later and do worse. The image of Caden curled up in the farthest corner from the door tear stains on his cheeks, new tears in his eyes and a bruise forming on his cheek still lingered in Malachai's mind. He glanced over his shoulder at his brother, the much younger face of his memory replaced by the older one.

His thoughts turned back the past remember how scared Caden had been after that, he wouldn't let Malachai out of his sight for a long time after that; he'd had nightmares for months after that too. Malachai sighed, running a hand through his hair, he knew why it had scared Caden more then it might have. When they were younger their father used to lock them in the closet in their room when they were bad. That was while their mother was working full time, before she got a divorce, it had always affected Caden more then him.

Frowning he turned back to look at Caden admiring the way the golden light from the window colored his pale cheeks. He hoped the worst had happened, whatever it was he would make sure nothing else hurt Caden. "I'll protect you brother," he said softly as he walked over to sit down on the side of the bed, leaning over to plant a kiss on Caden's forehead. Only to find a hand in his hair as his lips were pulled down to matching ones.