The Sartain Literary Review

Art Wench: Here's another edition of the Sartain Literary Review, brought to you by the nice folks at Yahoo and their incredibly massive and busy servers, may they run forever. Anywho, let's get started. Boys?

Davy: We are reviewing, "Far Too Late" by Jenny -

Mark: *interrupting* And while I am very grateful for Jenny's kind endorsement, I do hope she realizes that I cannot give her special treatment. (A.) It would be unfair to the other writers, and (B.) Any display of kindness and goodwill on my part would be completely OOC. However I am open to bribery... *adjusts tie* Shall we begin?

Davy: Forget bribery. *winking at Jenny* If you ever want his undying affection, all you have to do is kick his ass.

Mark: *ahem!* Speaking of fae in need of a good ass-kicking... >=(

Davy: *innocently* What? Come on, Mark - it's like our universe's worst-kept secret. "If you want Mark's respect, over-power him, out-smart him, or simply kick his ass." Followed by, "The closer you bring him to death, the more he'll like you."

Mark: *murderous glare* That is absolutely not true.

Davy: *ticking off names on his fingers* Miss Hawthorne. Belaroth. Spider. Aerael....

Mark: Wait one minute. I don't like Spider at all. She looks wonderful in my bed, I'll give her that much, but otherwise she's a royal pain in the ass.

Davy: But you respect the fact that she can rearrange your atomic structure with a snap of her fingers, don't you?

Mark: ...........

Davy: Case closed. Now do you want to start, or do I? ^_^

Mark: *raising a hand* I wasn't finished -

*a great cloud of violet feathers flies into the room and glomps Davy*

Davy: *desperately trying to keep the chair from tipping* Io! Wait, hey, c'mon, we're on the air here! Iolanthe!

Iolanthe: Sorry Blondie, I couldn't resist! I just thought the way you shut up Mark was incredibly sexy. ^_^

Davy: *blink* Really? *clears throat* Wanna stay and review the story with us?

Mark: *rolling eyes* Oh goody, we get Fluffy the Vampire Layer*** as a guest critic. Does she even read? And by that, I mean real literature. Not just the trashy novels with the little black and white clown icon on it.

Iolanthe: Oh, please - everyone knows that Harlequin is crap. If you want the really steamy love scenes you have to read -

Art Wench: *pointing at her watch* Time, kids, watch the time... maybe you should actually attempt to review the story now?

Davy: *settling Io on his lap* Okay, now let's see... Hey, watch those hands! ...um... maybe we should grab another chair for you, huh?

Io: Oh, I'll behave. >=) I'll cuddle with you just enough to make your brother hurl. *cuddle, cuddle*

Davy: *grimace* Io, I don't think anyone on the list really wants to watch a vampire vomit.

Mark: Don't worry your little empty heads about that. I'm disgusted well beyond mere nausea, thank you very much.

Io: Aw... poor widdle Markkas. Is all the love starting to get to you? Even the story is a romance...

Mark: Yes, It would be too much to bear except for one thing - everyone in the story dies tragically. *flings back his head and laughs* I love it. Nathaniel goes through all that trouble, and then the poor sap ends up as alone as he was in the beginning. Granted, he's immortal now, and rather pretty. *smirk* Why not send him over here, Jenny, that I might... comfort.... him. >=)

Io: Your brother is such a slut, Davy. Are you sure he isn't part lust faery?

Davy: *sigh* Tell me about it - no, no, on second thought, don't. These eyes have seen far too much already. =(

Io: My poor traumatized sweetie. I want to know why the princess simply didn't run off with Nathaniel. That's what I would do. This story sounds like the sort of asinine thing Oberon would pull if he knew how serious I was about you.

Davy: *blink* Huh?

Io: *sigh* You don't think Oberon is actually happy about me diddling you, do you?

Davy: Um... well... no... not exactly. I kinda try not to think about it, really.

Mark: Because then he would have to acknowledge the insanity of his dating you. I didn't spend I don't know how long trying to keep him away from the Sidhe, just to have the little idiot start shacking up with a Chaos-damned princess. Wonderful. Why the fuck do I bother? Oh yeah, because my immortal soul is in peril if I don't. Because if that weren't the case, I'd have killed him myself!

Io: I'm detecting some unresolved anger there, Mark.

Davy: Hey, we're not being censored! *looking around* Where'd she go?

Mark: She's chasing her little larvae around. We could all probably just leave, if we wished.

Davy: Go right ahead. I'm sure she won't notice, and she won't be angry with you. I think I'll stay here and finish up the show. You know what struck me was that image of just everybody standing there, all armed and ready to fight, and then this cry goes up that's so haunting and miserable, that everyone just gives up on even the thought of war.

Io: He was literally created for her, and nobody recognized it until it was too late. Only one thing this story needs to make it perfect.

Davy: And what's that?

Io: A good sex scene. ^_^

Mark: As much as I'd hate to agree with the Fluffy One...

Davy: Well, I think it's fine the way it is. It reads like a faery-tale, albeit with an ending that would do a Greek tragedy justice. I would like to see a second part to this... perhaps far into the future, when he finds love again.

Iolanthe: Yes, that would be sweet.

Mark: Happy endings are for the weak. Not to mention, dreadfully one-sided. Usually the only way the writer can have an happy ending is to have the chosen protagonist (Invariably a Chaos fucked fool like my brother) get what he wants, but it also involves the quote/unquote "Bad Guy" getting completely and royally screwed.

Iolanthe: =| But you enjoy that sort of thing, I've heard.

Mark: *snarl* Did you say something? Anyway, as I was saying, one fellow's happy ending is another fellow's really shitty life. And since I appear to be the designated "Bad Guy" around here, through no fault of my own, I feel obligated to say a word or two on the merits of the Unhappy Ending. Hmm... no. Let's take that thought a step further. How about an ending in which the Bad Guy Wins? Let's try that a time or two, shall we?

Davy: Are you finished ranting now?

Mark: That was hardly a rant. An actual rant would have taken up the better part of twenty minutes, and several severed limbs. Now let's end this damn thing so we can go home. *dismissive wave of his hand* Say the closing, Davy.

Davy: But we never even got to talk about the -

Mark: *raised brow* Excuse me? Are you talking to me? Say the closing, or first chance I get, I'll turn your little purple girlfriend into 'Succubus a Flambé'.

Iolanthe: *bristling* Oh yeah? Well -

Davy: Shhh! *claps hand over Iolanthe's mouth* This is the conclusion of the Sartain Literary Review. Hope you enjoyed it more than we did. Thank you and good night!

***That line provided by the very talented Tess. She's good, neh? --K